


Not Anymore

by SuzuyaChan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, transboy!Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 22:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4454963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuzuyaChan/pseuds/SuzuyaChan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Eren Jaeger.</em><br/><em>Eighteen years’ worth of bad decisions; eighteen years’ worth of shit luck; and eighteen years of just missing something. </em><br/><br/>Levi turns up at Eren's door one day and together they leave and try to make their own way in a world where their past memories make them feel out of place.<br/><strong>(rated mature because of the references to self-harm)</strong><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> a good song to check out to get the feel of this is [Run](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psiILfa-G1c) by Daughter (there are some bits which work really well others that don't; but I love it).
> 
> this is a pretty personal piece tbh but I hope you like it anyway
> 
> if you would like to check out any of my other stuff then i write a lot for tumblr that i don't post here so try [[here](http://erenjaegrs.tumblr.com/fanfic)]
> 
> you can also read on tumblr [[here](http://erenjaegrs.tumblr.com/post/125287505359/i-needed-some-personal-stress-relief-and-i-wanted%22)] if you'd prefer!!

You want to know how someone could do that to themselves, huh? 

How they could take out their anger at the world on themselves as if the lines were nothing but pencil marks and the colour were that of love. 

Well, let me introduce you:

Eren Jaeger. 

Eighteen years’ worth of bad decisions; eighteen years’ worth of shit luck; and eighteen years of just missing something.

So when a boy no older than seventeen turned up on his doorstep - his jeans ripped, his white shirt hanging loosely off of his thin frame and an overwhelming familiarity in his eyes - Eren did the first thing that came to mind; he grabbed a bag, stuffed it with anything he could find and he left. When he returned downstairs the boy was stood there looking somehow both impassive and expectant.

Neither of them spoke the entire time, Eren simply followed the boy down the street, catching small glimpses of him under the infrequent street lamps before he was once again enveloped by the dark. They reached the train station and the boy handed him a ticket; it was on the dimly-lit, grubby train that they finally spoke. 

“How much d’you remember?” the boy asked. Eren frowned, his voice was wrong; too high, too soft.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he replied, it wasn’t entirely true, but he also didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling. 

“What so you’d just pack up and leave with any old guy who turned up at your door, huh?” he asked and Eren shook his head watching the lights of his hometown blur into the distance. 

“I know you,” he said after a while, his voice barely a whisper.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I know you too, kid,” Levi replied. Levi. That was his name. Eren’s head hurt. He leant forward, pressing the palms of his hands against his closed eyes and felt the world around him vanish.

He was warm; enclosed; everything around him was soft and slimy somehow – there was a voice, muffled and yet distinct, loud and yet he could barely hear it.

 _“Kid, focus, c’mon.”_ It was desperate. _“Get the fuck out of there. Control it. Eren, listen to me, fucking listen to me – Eren-”_

“Eren.” The voice was softer, the desperation more controlled.

“Levi,” he replied.

They got off the train at least two hours later and Eren didn’t know whether the place was planned or random, but he didn’t question it either; frankly, he didn’t really care. It wasn’t like it made a difference to him: his life had been empty – if there was even the slightest chance that might change, he was willing. And if it didn’t? Well, what the fuck did he care.

They spent the night on the beach. Something else inexplicable to add to the list. Eren played with the pebbles around him occasionally, but mostly just stared into the dark mass of the ocean. It was cold, the sea breeze whipping relentlessly against their faces – but Levi seemed not to notice it, he simply sat there in silence, his poker face impervious to the world.

“What d’you think of it?” he asked and Eren was so taken aback by Levi’s speaking that it took him a moment to answer.

“Of what?” he questioned eventually, catching the small flick of Levi’s eyes towards him and then away again.

“The ocean,” he said finally and Eren looked back at the waters that stretched in front of him before answering. The question felt loaded somehow, as if it held some secret significance.

“It’s free. It’s ruthless. It-” he paused, he could feel Levi’s attention on him, an energy urging him onwards. “It doesn’t feel real.” The energy disappeared. He was disappointed, Eren could tell – it hadn’t been the response he’d been expecting. The taller boy stood up, pulling his shoes off and then his shirt, and then shimmying his trousers down and off till he stood facing the ocean in nothing but his boxers.

“What are you doing?” asked Levi, his eyes purposefully averted from Eren’s body; he was grateful really, only when it was too late did he think of the scars that claimed his skin.

“Making it feel real.” He walked towards the waves.

“That’s fucking stupid,” Levi called after him and Eren shrugged; pulling off his boxers and throwing them behind him.

“ _I’m_  fucking stupid,” he replied as his bare toes came into contact with the freezing water.

Eren kept walking; he walked until the waves lapped at his chest and his limbs screamed at him to stop, but maybe it was none of that – maybe it was just the sound of Levi’s voice.

“You should stop now,” he said and Eren turned to see the boy standing just beyond the reach of the water – fragile, broken; nothing like what he should be.

The brunet returned, water droplets racing down his bare skin and the wind biting more keenly than before; he stood there, moonlight against his back, breath quick and harsh. Levi was sat by their bags again, knees pressed against his chest, chin resting on top of them and his eyes pressed closed. Eren took out his hoodie and dried himself on it before dressing.

“Okay,” he said and Levi opened his eyes again, peering up through the black hair blowing across his face.

“Okay,” Levi repeated. They stayed there, sat and stood in the light of the moon, everything quiet except for the rush of the ocean: daylight was inching its way across the water before they began to walk on.

They kept to the coastline, taking a winding, rocky pathway up the cliff and walking perilously close to the edge. Eren felt more alive than he had in years, like what he’d been missing had begun to return.

“Are you coming?” Levi asked, his voice further off than Eren had expected; he jumped slightly, realising he was simply stood there staring out at the ocean. He turned to look at the other boy, he was waiting in front of an outdated caravan, Eren stared at it for a while before realising: it was Levi’s home.

“Yeah,” he said, making his way towards it. “Yeah I am.”

Eren wasn’t entirely sure how legal it was for them to be camping out here but over the months they had no trouble; their lives continued with an almost surreal monotony, but it wasn’t bad. Levi woke early and slept late, Eren had thought his sleep pattern was fucked, but he had nothing on the other boy. He knew Levi went out in the time he was sleeping, when he woke up the small plastic table just beyond their bed would have something new on it: bread, milk and very rarely just money. Eren got the impression that Levi didn’t like money, but then considering how many hands it passed between he supposed he shouldn’t be surprise; the shorter man had retained his penchant for cleanliness.

Eren still wasn’t sure where Levi had retained it from, nor would the shorter boy tell him – although the brunet hadn’t exactly pushed him on it either. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to remember; sometimes Levi would speak and Eren would lose himself, see blood, see destruction, see hopelessness. He would come back to the feeling of Levi’s hand clasped around his wrist, a hint of blue concern resting in his grey eyes. Maybe he was better off not knowing.

They both had their poorly kept secrets: Eren saw the way Levi’s eyes wandered across his scars and knew his own couldn’t help but trace the undershirt that kept his chest flat. He hadn’t even been surprised, really it just seemed to make sense; he supposed they both felt out of place in one way or another.

“How did you find me?” Eren asked one day as the two of them sat atop the caravan watching the sea as it swallowed the sun; Levi had been quiet for so long Eren had almost given up on an answer.

“When you first met me – when you came with me, why did you do it?” Eren considered the question for a moment before answering.

“I don’t know, there was just this – this pull almost? It felt right…” he trailed off, turning to look at Levi and finding him staring straight back.

“Well me too, I just  _knew_  – I guess I followed my instincts.” He shrugged and looked away, but Eren kept on looking.

“How much do you remember?” He didn’t have to wait long this time.

“Everything.” He paused. “I…missed you.” His voice was no more than a whisper, barely audible above the crash of the sea beneath them. “Every fucking day, I-” He cut himself off, jaw clenched and eyes closed, trying to hold it in. Eren took Levi’s hand, half expecting the other boy to pull away, but instead the hand tightened around his own.

“Not anymore,” said Eren, pulling Levi against his chest.

“Not anymore,” Levi repeated, his voice muffled against the taller boys shirt.

Eren didn’t know what would happen to them; he didn’t know the pattern that their lives would weave; but he found that he didn’t need to.

They would face the days to come together; they would face the world as one.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is appreciated!! (tho don't be mean as I said before it's quite a personal piece)
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


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